Recently I stated in a post that I never had a problem walking into a restaurant or pub and asking for a table for one when I used to be able to leave the house, still don't when I am out of the county or country which sounded a bit of a contradiction, after all to go out of the country, even the county, I have to leave the house so let me explain.
Unlike many people, my depression does not prevent me from working. I've always had to work, and apart from the periods immediately following two redundancies I always have worked. It is what was drummed into me as I was growing up.
It was when I started struggling to go to work that I finally sought help from my doctor, up until then I had just dealt with it. After all, a social life is not important, work is.
And that is what my depression took from me, my social life.
I struggle to leave the house for any other reason than to go to work.
And I mean really struggle. Not physically, mentally.
I accept invitations knowing full well that I will not turn up.
I have spent so much money on concert and theatre tickets purchased when I have had a good day, but come the day of the event I cannot get myself out of the house.
Weekends away too, I have booked hotels and not used them, because I can't leave the house.
Every year I make sure that I have a holiday in Spain, even this is a struggle. I get very excited about booking but the closer the day gets the more unsure I become.
I leave packing to the last minute, then just throw random things into the suitcase.
I lay in bed the day of departure trying to convince myself to get up.
I have to tell myself not to ignore the taxi when it arrives.
I want to run away from the airport after I have checked in.
The strange thing is, the further from home and the city I get, the better I feel so once I arrive in Spain I feel like a different person.
I spend the holiday feeling great then I have to come home and the black fog descends again.
I have my medication review next month, I look forward to seeing what the GP says.
Time for another very personal post.
Recently I have been suffering from prolonged arousal, and like the title says, it really isn't funny. It is crippling.
The medical term is Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder (PGAD
) and is discussed from a professional point of view here.
It is impossible to do anything. Imagine trying to do all your daily tasks, cooking, cleaning, driving, conducting meetings at work, whilst being constantly pleasured. But without the pleasure. The feelings even wake me up and prevent me going back to sleep.
Regular readers will know about my sex life, I was late in losing my virginity, have only slept with one man, and that was a less than inspiring event and, except for one time in Spain when the neighbours were not being quiet, I have had absolutely no interest in sex since. I even threw away all my sex toys as they were just gathering dust in the bottom drawer of my bedside cabinet.
As I said above, it is not a pleasurable feeling. I don't know why it happens, I don't have sexy dreams, I am not a sexual person.
There is nothing that I have tried so far that has resolved it, I just have to grit my teeth for the hours that it continues. It is somewhat alleviated by standing, but I can't stand all night, I can't stand during meetings, I can't stand whilst I am driving.
There is no sense of release when the feeling eventually fades away, just relief that it is over for now, but a dread that it is going to return sooner rather than later.
Cold showers haven't helped, neither have cold baths or cold flannels. I have tried anti-inflammatory tablets which have not worked. Anti-Depressants have been cited as reducing the problem so as hard as I have worked to get myself off my meds
I have started taking them again to see if it does help.
I have been awake now for just under 3 hours and the feelings are just dispersing so today's bout was relatively brief. Thank goodness.
