I'm not having a good day.

It's been a while since I mentioned my depression, or at least I think it has.  But today has not been a good day.

I did not sleep well, waking up every hour or so until midnight, which was when I received a text with my exam results (we have to wait almost 2 months for the results so why they have to be sent out at midnight I don't know, another few hours wouldn't hurt), at 6am I gave up but felt more drained than I did when I went to bed.  I failed, by the way, but this was not unexpected.

I dragged myself out of bed and went to do the 'big shop', I had decided to try a different store today and it really threw me off my shopping stride - I seemed to buy half as much as usual, but paid twice as much.

The rest of the day has been a bit of a blur.

I have managed to wash my work clothes but nothing else.

I wanted to sort out the downstairs cupboard/junk room.  I haven't.

I should have gone and collected my prescription.  I haven't.

I needed to go to the bank.  I haven't.

I haven't attended to my vegetable patch for weeks.

All I have wanted to do today is sleep or eat or read or gamble or drink.

This may be a reaction to everything going on at work at the moment, or it could just be an escalation of my usual summer blues, or it could be a mixture of both, but I don't like it.

I want to go to bed and not get up.

I want to run away and not come back.

I just don't want to be here.  Alone.

Another Christmas as a single woman.

Every year I say that 'this is going to be last Christmas and New Year as a single woman', and every year it isn't.

I watch everyone worrying about what to buy partners, children, the world and I wonder why people seem to make such a big thing about this time of year, why do they get into debt to buy presents, why the panic about not being able to get cranberry sauce?

Would I be like that if I wasn't single?

I'm guessing I will never find out as I am never going to be anything but single.

I leave the house for work, college and holidays and that is it.  Thanks to my medication, going to work and college is no longer an issue, leaving the house to go on holiday is still a struggle.

And when I do get out, I always holiday in the same place, and much as I love my time there, (if I get there, I have booked hotels and not used them) I know everyone, and I am never going to meet anyone.

I have tried online dating, it wasn't successful.  Although that is probably a good thing as I would have had to force myself to leave the house to meet up.

I do get annoyed when I hear people complaining about being single for weeks or months.  Try 43 years!

Whilst I was looking for a suitable illustration for this post, I came across this item from The Mirror, it's a Christmas survival guide for singles. 

1. More money to spend on yourself - yep, bought myself a new duvet and pillows, boots and smellies.
2. Don't be the only single person at the party - what's a party?
3. Go for a winter escape - I was intending to, but outside forces (I shan't say what) put paid to that idea.
4. Fill your time - I'm working most of Christmas and have no-one local to meet up with anyway.
5. Catch up with family - I see Mum and Dad every day, I have no brothers and sisters.

Bah Humbug!

Where I am with my depression.

Recently I stated in a post that I never had a problem walking into a restaurant or pub and asking for a table for one when I used to be able to leave the house, still don't when I am out of the county or country which sounded a bit of a contradiction, after all to go out of the country, even the county, I have to leave the house so let me explain.

Unlike many people, my depression does not prevent me from working.  I've always had to work, and apart from the periods immediately following two redundancies I always have worked.  It is what was drummed into me as I was growing up.

It was when I started struggling to go to work that I finally sought help from my doctor, up until then I had just dealt with it.  After all, a social life is not important, work is.

And that is what my depression took from me, my social life.

I struggle to leave the house for any other reason than to go to work.

And I mean really struggle.  Not physically, mentally.  

I accept invitations knowing full well that I will not turn up.

I have spent so much money on concert and theatre tickets purchased when I have had a good day, but come the day of the event I cannot get myself out of the house.

Weekends away too, I have booked hotels and not used them, because I can't leave the house.  

Every year I make sure that I have a holiday in Spain, even this is a struggle.  I get very excited about booking but the closer the day gets the more unsure I become.

I leave packing to the last minute, then just throw random things into the suitcase.

I lay in bed the day of departure trying to convince myself to get up.

I have to tell myself not to ignore the taxi when it arrives.

I want to run away from the airport after I have checked in.

The strange thing is, the further from home and the city I get, the better I feel so once I arrive in Spain I feel like a different person.

I spend the holiday feeling great then I have to come home and the black fog descends again.

I have my medication review next month, I look forward to seeing what the GP says.

Eating alone? I never had a problem with that.

I never had a problem walking into a restaurant or pub and asking for a table for one when I used to be able to leave the house, still don't when I am out of the county or country (that sounds a bit of a contradiction, but there is a post coming shortly that will explain all).  After all, back then, as it is now, it was always a case of go on my own, or don't go at all.

But apparently others felt there was a bit of stigma to dining alone, or at least according to the people spoken to in this BBC report.

Have you ever dined alone?  Was it out of choice or necessity?  Did you feel stigmatised or traumatised?