Friday, 9 May 2014

Why I didn't go out tonight

I was supposed to be going out for a meal tonight, I didn't go.  I just couldn't face it.

It was a joint leaving do for a few people at work, there are supposed to be 20plus people going so I won't be missed.

Some people feel confident when they look good, new dress, new hair, perfect make up. But that is not me, as long as I am showered, hair washed and brushed (I don't bother drying it, it will dry eventually) and I am wearing clean clothes I am good to go.  I feel confident when I am happy and for the last two years I have been happy at work, I felt that I could do anything I wanted to.

But that has changed.

We have had an office move, and the team is now split.

I don't like it.

And because I don't like it, I am not happy.

And because I am not happy, I have lost all my confidence.

And because I have lost my confidence, I don't want to leave the house.

I don't seem to be able to make work colleagues understand the difficulties I face, any more than I can understand what it was like being pregnant at 16 as a colleague was.

So I am now sat on the settee wondering about the grief I will get back in the office for not going tonight.

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